Is this you, God?

Just a Baby

She stared long at the sky, silenced by the hard realization that her life had changed forever. Cigarette smoke swirled around her, each drag feeling both desperately needed and suffocating, while her head also swirled anxiously with both shock and disbelief sharing equal space.

“It’s just a baby,” she thought. “Hardly the end of the world. I’ve always wanted to be a momma…”

And then, out of nowhere, through the exhale of her next cigarette drag, she wondered aloud, “Is this you, God?”

Though just as quickly as the smoke disappeared into the air, her thoughts of God evaporated. And as she continued to sit and stare out her second story bedroom window, up at the clouds that could never provide any answers, her life, in fact, began changing forever.

As a young girl, she didn’t remember having dreams really. She just sort of existed in a small corner of the world. Part shy. Part scared. Part capable. Part dramatic. Lots of parts that made a whole lot that never really did make much sense. Not to her, anyway. And most things really didn’t interest her for too long, so she moved on often. Except in relationships. She needed people. And always assumed she’d eventually get married and have babies and live happily ever after. So maybe that was her dream.

But, not now. Not this soon. Not after two months of dating someone she barely knew and certainly didn’t love. Not when she was finally looking forward, hoping to land a job with an airline that would fly her high above, into, and through those clouds without answers. Not when she was finally starting to find some sorta groove after college graduation and a bad break-up, with a job she currently enjoyed and sites she’d set on something beyond.

Just not now at all!

What would people think, anyway? What will he think? He still had school to finish and a job to land and his own adult groove to find. He couldn’t want this, even though the gentleman he was had stated otherwise when she’d made her way to his place that morning to share the news. Placing the decision solely on her, he accepted her desires to mother this child with or without him, then dutifully decided they should get married and do it together.

A Baby and a Gift

She remembered the stories, though. Those in her very own family. One grandmother having her mom at 17 years old with no help from the father. And her own Mom having her sister at 15! And while her own father stayed in this story, their difficulties had been enormous.

She knew this was nothing even close to those. Hard? Sure. But she, at least, had a college degree and a job with insurance and plenty of family support. She really didn’t want to saddle him down with something he hadn’t asked for. That neither of them asked for.

And yet, they had. By both choices and willful ignorance.

Oftentimes the best things in life are given, however, and not asked for.

In fact, the best Gift ever was given and not asked for.

Nor desired. Nor sought after. Nor rejoiced over. But rather, scoffed at. Mocked. Unwanted. Disbelieved. Discouraged. Divided against. Devastatingly despised.

Not that she considered any of that in the new reality she now found herself living. She thought of… well, nothing much at all and nothing much else, all at the same time.

She was staring right into the face of a new future. Jumping head first into an unknown universe, holding every ounce of all things promising and chock full of pit falls. Who knew what any of it would become!

She only knew how her own family had fared amidst trying moments and unexpected realities. She knew her own struggles and feelings and forces beyond her ability to control and overcome. She knew problems and darkness and fear. She knew she didn’t need anything added to what already existed.

A Baby, a Gift, and God

What she didn’t know, however, was how God was authoring it all. Every moment. Every chance encounter and even every breath. Orchestrating her story in order to show off His glory. What she didn’t know is how well God knew her. Who she was and who He wanted her to become. What she couldn’t know then was how much God loved her just as she was. How much He had given up for her. How far He was willing to go to woo and convince her. Even to the point of fear and confusion, oh-no’s and uh-oh’s, and even this current, please, God, just no!

And she couldn’t have known any of it, because she’d never met Him. Never considered Him. Never thought of Him, really. Unless you consider wondering about a heaven. But again, this was all part of the plan. Eyes get opened all the wider by great and surprising realities never dreamt of prior.

So, the Hound of Heaven had finally tracked her down. At just the right time, too. His perfect time. Showing love undeserved and unequaled and undiscovered in the form of a child. Showing her, in His own unexpected and kinda unwelcomed way, all the ways her life is not up to her, but to Him.

Does that sound familiar??

Well, I’m in no way comparing her (okay, myself, since she’s clearly me) to Mary. But Jesus did come as a baby in a way unexpected and a tad unwelcomed by some. At least in the beginning. Due to cultural norms and expectations and all the rest. Yet, in the end, no less loved and welcomed by his parents.

And this… Well, it’s just how God works. He uses the simple to confound the wise. The humble to convict the prideful. The unexpected to shatter expectations. The least anticipated and desired to produce anticipation and desire. The biggest gifts and surprises to awaken us to the gift of Him and His surprising love. He uses ways we cannot fathom or make sense of to work out His own purposes. He calls and draws us first. Loves, first. Even when we may have never given Him a second glance.

Or, even a first.

A Baby, a Gift, God, and a Good Father’s Story

Listen, the pursuit of God is unlike any other. He will stop at nothing to bring you to Himself and keep you in Himself. He will bring about things in your life that will crush, damage, confuse, or even nearly destroy you. And you will have to watch those you love walk through those same things, leaving you helpless and on your knees because that’s all there is left to do.

And all this may seem so unloving. So absolutely unlovely. And it is. To us, at least. But not to a God that knows all, however. Not to a Good God who loves peace and order and justice and the beginning from the end and even our very heart, because He knit us each together in our mother’s womb. And whether we know our birth mother, or not… whether we were planned, or not… whether we were held and beheld and nurtured well, or not… God placed each of us there for a purpose. A very good purpose.

Because He is not only a good God, but a great Father. The perfect One. Unlike any earthy one of us.

And we can’t neglect this truth. We can’t neglect the profound love God has for each image bearer He’s placed inside a mother’s womb. We can’t neglect the purpose each of us has from the very beginning. Or, to the final ending, for that matter.

Which is why I keep writing. Why I keep sharing my story. All the good, bad, ugly and boring. All the ups, downs and in-betweens. The struggles and messes and things that confuse my senses. All the ways I’m slowly becoming what God ordained when He knit me together in my momma’s womb in the very beginning.

And each of us have a gift like this. Each of us have been knit. Created and ordained with purpose. We each have a story to tell. A message to offer. An encouragement to give. A love to share. Hope to grasp onto and hold out to others. Because we each have a true purpose that’s been Authored from the beginning of time by our Creator, Who, alone, deserves to be glorified, through the telling and living.

And… if you don’t happen to know your purpose, yet… Or, have yet to even meet your Author and Creator… He’s only a name away…

Jesus.

You can simply start there. Maybe with something like this, “Jesus, I don’t really know you, or if I even believe you exist, but if you do and you’re willing, please show me yourself, myself, and my purpose in your story.”

Then, keep looking around as you go about living and I guarantee you, He will show up!

Psalm 139; Proverbs 16; Ecclesiastes 3; Isaiah 46, 49; Jeremiah 29; Matthew 1&2, 7:7-12, 25:14-30, 27; Mark 6:1-5, 14:43-15:32; Luke 1:26-38, 22:1-6, 23; John 1, 3, 6:22-70, 14:6, 17-19; Romans 5; Ephesians 1&2; Philippians 2; James 1; 2 Peter 1&3; 1 John 3&4;